I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize