i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
