i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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