I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
