i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
