What did we do last night that was yellow?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Damn victory sex feels great
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
