I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
