All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
