how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Sorry about my life...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize