i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
