If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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