You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
