Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
