there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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