The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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