Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
