It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
