im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
