So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Let's paint friendship bongs
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
