Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
