He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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