Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
