I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
