Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
