Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
