I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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