i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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