Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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