So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
