I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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