if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
