i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
