i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
