Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You pole danced in your parka.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
