i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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