I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
