my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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