there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
