Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
