my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
