just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
