I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
