Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize