If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
no, he came in my armpit
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize