If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
