I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
