Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I need moral support for this bender
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
