I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
