dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
