I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
