Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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