What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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