The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
