you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
