she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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