you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
