Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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