I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
