i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
